A Bed of Roses

We all know how frenetic life can be. Especially at this time of year, as the year winds down and we rush around cramming in work we need to complete before Christmas and the new year and frantically preparing for the holidays. Life rushes past in an endless “to do” list. Taking time out to just “be” seems impossible. When the holidays do eventually arrive we are exhausted, wanting nothing more than to just close our eyes, switch off the noise and surrender to the peace and tranquility.

For me the year has felt crazy, like swimming around in circles in a fish bowl – without gills.
I have arrived at the end of the year exhausted, trying to get off the treadmill without face planting on the floor. The exhaustion is there for a number of reasons. I could put it down to events, activity, worry, stress, but I’m putting it down to learning. I say this because every experience this year, good and bad, has been about learning. It’s been about growing, experiencing, taking steps – however small- towards finding out who I am and where I belong.
I have worked so hard this year, more than most people will ever know. This is what I’ve learnt on my personal journey…

I have learnt about me. I have learnt that it’s okay to be me, to accept my flaws, my mistakes, and would you believe my strengths. Apparently I have some of these! Taking a mirror, staring into it and accepting the person looking back at you is harder than I ever realised it would be. Reaching deep inside and facing all the baggage, all the defenses, all the truths about oneself can be really frightening and really liberating at the same time. I have come to realise that this is an endless process. Once you have stared into that mirror it doesn’t disappear, it becomes a constant reminder of who you are becoming and who you have been. It is a conscious awareness that, sometimes annoyingly, doesn’t leave you. There’s no hiding under the bed with this one!

I have also learnt about love. I have learnt the many forms love can take, some more genuine than others. I have seen love without conditions. Love without payback. Love as strong and steadfast as a mountain. I have found God’s love reaching deeply into my soul, putting balm on the hurt, nurturing, rising, lifting me up into a world beyond ours. Pure, powerful, endless love that flows through your veins, creates strength when you think you have none, joy out of sadness and peace where there is discontent. I have seen the people who carry this love in their hearts. They have held me in my tears, laughed at my absurdity and created safety in my fear.

I have learnt about gratitude. When life is climbing on top of you and you can’t face another step, stop, close your eyes, breathe and look at the blessings you have around you. They may be hard to see at first, through the fog of despair, but slowly they will come. Slowly you will see that just as life is full of challenges so too is it full of blessings. Nothing is ever one-sided. Every negative has a positive. This has been one of the hardest lessons this year. So much of the time I have felt as though I have be staring down the barrel of a gun, my life shattering in front of me until someone has come along and pointed me towards grace, towards gratitude, towards love.

This sounds like a strange one, but I have learnt about tears. Tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of anger, tears of frustration and tears of pure uninhibited laughter. Tears are the expression of the soul. They are the release of all the emotion that drives us. They allow us the freedom to express what words cannot. For many years I did not cry. Now it is a natural flow of emotional expression for me and has shown me people who are willing to share those tears and hold all that they mean to me.

These are just some of the lessons that I have learnt and continue to learn. There are many more. As I get older I realise that you can teach an old dog new tricks, they’ve just got to be prepared to learn. When I said yes to learning I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but someone did, and I’m glad I said yes.

Teddy bear hugs
Tonia